Reach And Teach says:

At the Human Rights Campaign dinner in San Francisco this year, I heard the riveting story of Lana Wachowski, the now out of the closet as transgender film director of The Matrix series. She shared the difficulty she faced the first time she was brought to school and after a short while playing in the yard with other children a teacher came out and told all the kids to line up. Two separate lines... hurry up kids. Girls here and boys there. Lana (then Larry) simply did not know where to go, or more accurately, didn't want to go where she was expected to go (the boy's line). The teacher got impatient and tried to drag her, and then hit her... Lana's mother happened to still be near the school, in her car, watching and she stormed into the yard, grabbed her child, and told the teacher that if she ever raised a hand to her child again, there would be hell to pay (great message for a Catholic school, by the way). Lana's mother brought her home for the day but it would be a long time before anyone really understood what was going on.

After Lana's amazing life story, which rivited the assembled crowd, I took a few moments to bring Lana's wife a gift, a copy of Somtimes the Spoon Runs Away with Another Spoon. She was really sweet and asked what other books we had in our shop that dealt with transgender issues. At that time, not much. So, I went on the hunt and am glad to say that we've added several titles.

This one is especially powerful, sharing the stories of women who have experienced raising transgender children. The stories are powerfully written and will help those who are newly discovering that someone in their life is transgendered as well as those who have been living with gender variations for a long time.

Along with this book, we also recommend The Transgender Child: A Handbook for Families and Professionals by Stephanie Brill and Rachel Pepper.

Description:

Transitions of the Heart is the first collection to ever invite mothers of transgender and gender variant children of all ages to tell their own stories about their child’s gender transition. Often “transitioning” socially and emotionally alongside their child but rarely given a voice in the experience, mothers hold the key to familial and societal understanding of gender difference. Sharing stories of love, struggle, and acceptance, this collection of mother's voices, representing a diversity of backgrounds and sexual orientations, affirms the experience of those who have raised and are currently raising transgender and gender variant children between the ages of 5-50. Edited by Rachel Pepper, a gender specialist and co-author of the acclaimed book The Transgender Child, Transitions of the Heart will prove an invaluable resource for parents coming to terms with a child’s gender variance or transition.

Reviews:

"Whether you are a parent, educator, health-care professional, or just generally interested in the topic, be prepared for these stories to change your heart." —Kim Pearson, Director and Co-founder of TransYouth Family Allies

"[A] heartwarming collection...This deeply personal book should prove an invaluable, inspiring resource." —Publishers Weekly

"For many transgender or gender nonconforming people, our life journey is riddled with struggle, solitude, and a long road toward self-acceptance. The love from a mother is a treasured gift. Transitions of the Heart captures the complexity and depth of a mother's journey to understand and support her child—a child who, confronted with questions, fear and self-doubt, is sometimes the one who leads the mother to understand the true meaning of unconditional love. The stories told in Transitions of the Heart are are brave, honest, compelling and timely. They represent a powerful tool that can guide a parent from struggle to acceptance." —The Jim Collins Foundation 

"These honest, deeply felt testimonies of parents discovering and grappling with the unexpected difference of their trans child—exemplify the grace of parental love. I am moved to tears reading these stories, amazed continually by the insight, tender reflection, and courageous love that each parent exhibits in their struggle to understand their trans child, and to parent responsibly and with inspiration. The book, Transitions of the Heart, restores my faith in the world." —Max Wolf Valerio, author of The Testosterone Files

About the Editor:

RACHEL PEPPER holds a master's degree in counseling in community mental health and is currently working towards licensure as a Marriage and Family Therapist specializing in the care of the LGB, transgender, and gender variant communities. An experienced public speaker and author, she lives with her partner and daughter in Oakland, CA.

Details:

• Published by CLEis Press May 2012
• Paperback 204 pages
• 978-1-57344-788-1 | 9781573447881
• 1-57344-788-9 | 1573447889
• Gay & Lesbian
• FAMILY & RELATIONSHIPS
• Life Stages/General

Questions and Answers from

Rachel Pepper, author of

TRANSITIONS OF THE HEART:

Stories of Love, Struggle and Acceptance by Mothers

of Transgender and Gender Variant Children

 

How did you become interested in transgender children?

Originally I became interested in the issues facing trans youth when I was working at Yale University as Coordinator of the LGBT Studies Program. I had several student workers transition while on campus and I realized there was a definite lack of resources to share with them. At the same time, I was a co-author on a book project that Princeton Review was publishing. This project became The Gay and Lesbian Guide to College Life, and I was the author who wrote all the content for trans students and their families. In compiling quotes from parents of college students, I realized how little published information there was for families of trans kids in general, and that these families were desperate for some formal representation. Many urged me to write a book that could be a road map for them. Around this same time, the first wave of positive media representation about trans and gender variant children was appearing, including Barbara Walters’ pivotal 20/20 special on transgender children. I knew the moment had come, and approached Stephanie Brill, herself a gender expert, to co-write The Transgender Child: A Handbook for Families and Professionals, with me. I have continued to advocate for trans children and their families, as well as work clinically as a therapist with both trans teens and adults.

 

How can parents tell if their child is transgender?

There are several specific markers of gender variance that clinicians look for to be able to form a clinical opinion. These include young affirmed girls who wish to pee sitting down, wear traditional girls clothing, want to grow their hair out, use items like tablecloths to make dresses and hairwraps, play more with other girls, and choose more traditionally defined “girl’s toys” over things like trucks and superheroes. These affirmed females will also usually insist that they are a girl (not just want to be a girl) and may feel very distressed by their boy body parts, even threatening to cut off their penis. Affirmed males will usually be very tomboyish, want short hair, play mostly with other boys or feel more comfortable with more traditionally “boyish” clothes (including underwear) and toys, and even pee standing up. They may say they are a boy. However, not all trans children express their gender in a similar fashion, and these are only guidelines. However, if parents notice a combination of these factors in their child, and it doesn’t appear to be a “phase”—i.e. it does not pass—then they might consider consulting with a knowledgeable gender specialist in their city or town.

 

What should parents do if they suspect their child is gender non-conforming or transgender?

First, just continue to love your child and support your child for being themselves. Second, don’t panic. Third, educate yourself about what this all means, and consult with other parents who have been in your shoes. Join an online support group or attend a meeting with other parents of transgender or gender variant kids. Read some books. And try to locate a therapist who has experience and is knowledgeable in working with other families like yours. The therapy might actually be as important in supporting the parents, not only the child.

 

What resources exist to help families with transgender children?

There are online support groups and list-servs, some monthly drop-in groups in certain cities and towns, organizations like PFLAG and Gender Spectrum, and several national gender conferences, including the annual one put on by Gender Spectrum, that are wonderful resources for families. Connect with other families in your area and start your own support group if none exists! Plus, many families have found that finding a knowledgeable, supportive therapist experienced in working with trans kids and their families, is a wonderful thing.

 

How did you find the mothers included in your book?

To find my mothers, I put out an international call through numerous list-servs and support groups. I obviously wished to have a diverse group of mothers, including in the areas of race and ethnicity, national original and geographic location, sexual orientation, and parenting experience. I was also seeking a mix of parents representing both MtoF and FtoM children, as well as an age range of both parents and children alike. For example, the youngest children in the book are 5, and the oldest “children” are adults in their 60’s, with every age in between! I also wanted to make sure that the mothers fell in all ranges of the acceptance scale, and it’s clear from reading the stories in the book, that some mothers struggled much more than others with understanding their transgender children. Most of the mothers were unknown to me at the beginning of this process, although I did know several and had approached them to participate in my book project. These include mothers I had met at gender conferences and one who is a close family friend.

 

What were the common themes you saw represented in the mother’s stories?

The most common element I think you see in most of the stories is that these mothers have truly struggled to understand something that was so unusual to them at first about their children, but that because of love, they chose to believe in their kids, and not let society dictate to them that something was “wrong” with their children. Instead, many have become advocates for all children across the gender spectrum and often in fact for the entire transgender community. They have gone from shock and fear to acceptance to becoming leaders in their communities. That is the power of a mother’s love!

 

What seemed easiest for the mothers in the book, and what was most difficult?

I’m not sure anything could be said to be easy, because we as a society are still learning about this issue. What was clearly most hard was to be able to let go of the child you thought you had, to let go of the dreams you may have had specifically for that child, and to begin to start using a new name and different pronouns. Perhaps once these difficult tasks have been given some time, things got easier.

 

How is the world changing for transgender children?

Transgender children need no longer feel isolated and afraid in many families and communities. Because of brave families who have already paved the way, sometimes this is a non-issue in some school districts and communities of faith. Children are no longer hiding, but able to come out as trans at a much younger age than even 5-10 years ago. When children are allowed to be themselves and grow up feeling loved and supported, no matter who they are, they become independent, productive, emotionally stable young adults. Isn’t that our goal as parents?

 

I see you recently obtained your second Master’s Degree, this one in Counseling. What led you to go back to school to become a therapist?

When I got my Masters in Journalism I never thought I would go back to school again one day. But the world changes and so did I, and at a certain point, I understood that I was ready for a new profession, and I needed certain training and certification to do what I wanted to do. So I received my Masters in Counseling so that I could be licensed as a therapist. I am still collecting the 3000 hours needed for licensure, but I am working in the field now fulltime, and loving it. I have worked with trans teens and adults, the LGBT community, with people with AIDS, and am now employed at a private facility in San Francisco for women with eating disorders.

 

It looks like you are also developing a specialty in working with folks with eating disorders. Is this also a problem in the transgender community?

Yes, I became especially interested in this field while in my Masters Program. Transgender people have a very high incidence of eating disorders, which is often what happens when you combine body dysmorphia with gender dysphoria. There are not many specialists in this area of counseling so I am hoping to continue to develop this as a specialty. Additionally, as a feminist, I am extremely concerned about what happens to young girls and teenagers in a culture where there is so much societal expectation to be thin. We do not teach our girls a wide range of coping skills to effectively deal with these societal pressures, and when you combine certain factors such as perfectionism and caretaking in families with less than stellar emotional capacity, you often end up with teenagers who begin using an eating disorder to numb their pain or try to cope with or control their lives. Also, eating disorders tend to run in families. If you meet a girl with one, there is a strong chance that her mother or grandmother has had one. In some cases, often the father has had one too. Eating disorders are on the rise, and this is true among men and boys too, both heterosexual and gay.

 

Is your own child transgender?

Many people ask this, because I do have a child, and many activists in this field who are parents were inspired by their own child’s transition. However, my daughter, now 13, is not transgender. But, she is very knowledgeable about transgender issues, and has attended gender conferences with me. She wants to go into the field of mental health herself, and will continue our family’s legacy of doing meaningful work in the world. Additionally, her stepfather, my partner Kellen, is transgender, so she has a wonderful male role model in her life who has shown her that people are not limited by their sex or gender. She sees every day that in our family, people are loved, accepted and supported for who they are. This, I believe, is a wonderful gift to be able to give any child! I do feel a strong affinity for the transgender community and am proud to consider myself an ally and activist, especially for transgender children.

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